Valley of The Dolls and the Long Shadows Cast There...

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of dolls
I take a look at my life and realize I am trapped within squalls
Cause I've been procrastinating and crying so long that
Even my reflection thinks that my mind is gone....

Power and the money, money and the power
Minute after minute, hour after hour
Everybody's studying, but half of them ain't bookin
What's goin on in the kitchen, but I don't know what's cookin


They say I got to learn, but nobody's here to teach me
If they can't understand it, how can they reach me?
I guess they can't -- I guess they won't
I guess profs be shunting, that's why I know my life is out of luck, in terms of school

Been spending most our lives
Trying to achieve A Hamster's Paradise
Been spending most our lives
Trapped in this Hamster Paradise


Tell me why are we -- so blind to see
That this huge Wheel Lacks real Appeal
Tell me why are we -- so blind to see
That these glass walls will not conceal
How it is impossible to get the degree


A little Gangsta's Paradise remix to express the current frustration that is slowly consuming me. I am trying ever so hard to remain vigilant against the allure of Dolls in whatever shape they may take form. Because once you are trapped within the shadows of the Valley of Dolls it is near impossible to imagine the light again.

"You've got to climb Mount Everest to reach the Valley of the Dolls."

At first the above line was confusing to me, but my current situation helps me understand it better. It is only when you have achieved so much and have come so far that you get overtaken by dolls in a feeble attempt to deal with the situation or go farther.

So although currently doll-less (and hoping to remain that way), I am still within the valley and the just the shadows create enough darkness for me to be scared. I will just embrace the shadows and darkness and navigate my way out using other senses besides sight. It may take longer and take a toll on me mentally. But it will be worth it because outside of this valley is the Success I have dreamed about since I was a little girl.

Don't Care How... I Want It Now

A whole new level of anger has been reached for me. Even more so then that time I trashed the Golden Goose room in the Wonka Factory and ended up down the garbage chute. Ok so maybe some will just called me a spoiled brat by declaring what I did back then...

Don't Care How, I Want It Now!!!

But this is different I am working hard and trying my best, but yet it isn't good enough. It is like being poor or something, like working all the time and never having enough to pay bills. Before any of you buggers get on my case, I do know what it feels like to not have money, maybe not abject poverty but that psycho Henrietta (she was only my step mom) took half my dad's assets and his nut business folded (probably would have happened anyways, nuts aren't the most lucrative business). Especially since I have moved away to pursue my dreams, my dad hasn't been forthcoming with what little money he has left.

I feel so shitty about my situation that I even tried talking to my dad about difficulties with my studies and he didn't really help. Every time I talk to people they make it seem as if I am mentally challenged. Well people may not realize this, despite my being intensely spoiled, I was also positively bright. I always scored high in school and did well on tests.

The institution I attend is less then helpful. I honestly don't know what my tution is paying for. The teachers don't teach, they don't post the material we are supposed to learn from so we can even attempt to teach ourselves, and when I have asked them for help I have been shuffled around and snubbed.

People think I am dwelling in self pity and blaming the system. I have been very proactive about my situation. As you know I have no problem demanding what I want (I go about it in a much more civilized manner nowadays). I even have learned to be patient and flexible up to a point. But my institution is failing me both academically and in the support I need (and really have a right to because I pay them for this (teach the bloody lecture...don't tell me to read the damn book, because I could have saved thousands by just buying a few books if that is your point)).

So I want to advance in my studies, I don't want it next year or five years from now, I want it now. My institution is not cooperating and like daddy can be at times...always making things difficult. Within limits I don't care how I get it done (obviously I wouldn't cheat because it would cheapen my whole experience of trying to be a decent person). Looks like a future of lonely days, intense studying and little sleep because I will live up to my old declaration of "I don't care how, I want it now!"